Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
