I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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