I think i peed on brittanys purse
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
