I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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