Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
