its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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