Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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