If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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