census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
