what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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