this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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