sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
