I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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