take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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