this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
