I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
