I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
