I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
