I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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