May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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