And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
