Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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