she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
