there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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