My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You dont lie about slip and slides
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
