if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
