My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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