my mouth tastes like poor choices
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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