I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
