Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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