Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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