Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
