He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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