Pappa wants mamma naked
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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