Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
