My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
