i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
