soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
