I think I won the penis lottery.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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