too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
