I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
