I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
