His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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