thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Less talking, more tequila
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
