tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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