The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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