my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
