i think my mom watched the whole time
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
