So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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