dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
